“The Permian Extinction occurred 250 million years before Donald Trump was born, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t to blame” claims CNN’s Brian Stelter.
“We at CNN always start with the assumption that everything is Trump’s fault. The problem is we’ve been doing this for so long now, we’ve run out of things to blame him for.”
“It’s a real problem because that’s literally the only thing I ever do on my show. Then it hit me! Why not start blaming Trump for things that happened in the past? And the Permian Extinction is about as big a disaster as you can get. It’s an even bigger disaster than my ratings!”
“It wasn’t easy finding a way to blame this on Trump. After all, it happened a long time ago. But I knew I was up to the task. You wouldn’t believe the depths to which I’m capable of sinking! And the plain fact is, there’s nobody who can think like me. You’ve never seen thinking like it. My ability to think is probably the greatest in history.”
“The truth is, somebody is always calling me a real thinker. Although curiously, every single one of them has a lisp. Nevertheless, the facts speak for themselves and that is why we at CNN often have to interpret them for you.”
“Anyway, the heat generated by the intense thinking I do each and every day is why my hair fell out. It’s an unfortunate side-effect of being hard-of-thinking.”
“Now, where was I? Oh yes! As I was saying, the plain fact is Trump has a massive ego. And I mean massive as in containing a lot of mass. His ego is enormous.”
“It’s so massive it actually warps spacetime back onto itself, and that has interfered with the direction of causality. Thus, Trump’s disastrous environmental policies in the present are actually causing mass extinctions in the past.”
“I’ve done the calculations,” says Stelter, “and there’s no doubt about it. I use decolonised math, which isn’t hampered by western constraints such as accuracy. You can think of the relationship between regular and decolonised math as being akin to the relationship between what happened and a CNN news report.”
I happened to find an old song about #JoeBiden down the back of my couch...
For more snark and satire check out - https://biting.news/?r=locals
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W.O.P. has no constants and is an Extremely loosely typed language (ELTL). This ensures all constants can transition into any other type of data entity, including functions, objects, methods and properties to suit the needs of the woke cult. An experienced programmer may think a W.O.P. program is difficult to debug. Not so! All bugs are cancelled immediately when reported to Facebook moderators.
