We at Biting News are fans of Ben Shapiro. We’ve been watching him for years and enjoy his concise analysis.

Of course, when we watch Ben on YouTube, we're forced to slow the video down to 0.25 so we can hear what he’s saying. The man talks so fast we've had to seek treatment for friction burns! And recently things have gotten much worse.

Over time, the rate of words/second has ratcheted up to such an extent it’s now impossible to distinguish individual words at any speed. But last week things took a strange new turn when Shapiro’s speech broke the light barrier.

According to history’s biggest spoilsport, Albert Einstein, this should be impossible. And yet we have empirical evidence that says otherwise. Curious about this, Biting News sent its science reporter, Lotta Bolloni, to investigate.

As Bolloni quickly discovered, Shapiro is a direct descendent of a heretofore unknown thirteenth tribe of Israel. The newly discovered tribe was kicked out of Egypt along with the rest of the Israelites and spent 40 years in the desert looking for someone with a map.

We knew nothing about this thirteenth tribe until a clay tablet was unearthed recently. It contains a complete recount of the mythical thirteenth tribe. While the rest of the Israelites tucked into manna from Heaven, a bureaucratic mix-up meant the thirteenth tribe were given Red Bull instead.

The ancient formula for Red Bull juiced up the human metabolism to such an extent the changes set in permanently. Thus, every descendent of the thirteenth tribe talks at superluminal speed.

Once the members of the tribe broke the light barrier time dilation took effect and they suddenly appeared in the 21st century. Shapiro managed to slow down his speech sufficiently to secure a job on the Daily Wire while the rest of the tribe continues to accelerate into the future.