Gillette’s head of Male Relationship Repair, Volt Farce, yesterday stated the troubled company “no longer hates men" and insisted the reversal of policy had nothing to do with plummeting revenue or pressure from shareholders.

Farce insisted “Gillette no longer thinks all Men are evil, per se, and instead takes a nuanced view. We see men as victims, unable to properly process and respond to complex sociodynamic interplay.”

Despite employing many women, nobody at Biting News was able to understand what any of that meant. We asked Farce to clarify, and unfortunately for us, she did.

According to Farce “men enjoy having a soulless corporate machine harangue them for being evil. And we at Gillette are happy to fill that role. But please understand, we don’t do this because we hate men. We do this because we love men.”

“We see ourselves as nurturing. When we correct the problematic traits that all men are born with, it’s from a place of love and compassion.”

Biting News remarked that Gillette’s new approach sounded exactly the same as its old approach. “Nonsense” Farce replied. “I love men. Some of my best friends actually used to be men.”