The Queen of England was recently approached by President Biden and asked if she’d like to resume control of the USA.
The move follows a disastrous four months in which the new President ran the country into the ground. Biting News reached out to a source inside Buckingham Palace and was given the following transcript of the conversation.
Biden: Your majesty, is that you?
Queen: Yes. I understand you have a question for us?
Biden: There’s more than one of you?
Queen: (sighs, mutters under breath: bloody Americans)
Queen: When one is speaking in an official capacity, one uses the plural ‘we’ to indicate both ourselves personally and ourselves as Queen.
Biden: Er, OK. Look, your majesty you may…
Queen: Sorry to interrupt, but when saying ‘your majesty’ you need to capitalise the ‘M’ in Majesty.
Biden: What? Oh, sorry. Yes, fine. Your – uh – Majesty, you may have heard things aren’t going very well in the USA right now.
Queen: Oh?
Biden: We’ve made a bit of a mess of things. We have spiralling crime, rising inflation, sabre-rattling from China and Russia, people who won’t work, and a Vice President who looks at me the way a cat looks at a mouse.
Queen: How dreadful, but what do you expect me to do about it?
Biden: I’m all out of ideas. Nobody in the entire Democratic Party has ever run a successful government, and I think it’s time we admit defeat and end the American experiment. I'd like you to assume the role of Queen of these Royal United States of America.
Queen: (silence)
Biden: Hello? Your majesty? I mean, Majesty?
Queen: Er, well, one is flattered to be asked of course. And one would in a heartbeat if one wasn’t so busy.
Biden: Ah, so you don’t want to do it? I can’t say I blame you.
Queen: It’s not that. Well, OK, it is...a bit. You see, you said some very hurtful things about our ancestor in the 18th century. You called him a tyrant and said he was mad.
Biden: He was mad! We saw the movie. It was called The MADNESS of King George!
Queen: Yes, but one shouldn’t say so. It’s very hurtful, and not something to be brushed under the carpet. I’m sorry, but no. You made your bed and now you have to lie in it.
Biden: Damn! Well, do you have any suggestions? What can we do to fix the country?
Queen: Hmm…oh wait, one does have a suggestion! Have you tried switching America off and turning it back on again?
I happened to find an old song about #JoeBiden down the back of my couch...
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